Is it even possible to have a healthy relationship? For most people, relationships aren’t easy. Too often they’re ruled by unconscious patterns and fraught with drama, disappointment, and distress. Sometimes we move on from one partner only to find yourself embroiled in hauntingly familiar styles of dysfunctional interaction yet again with the next partner. Maybe you even carry the same patterns into everyday interactions with family, friends, and colleagues. Let’s look at one classic explanation of what goes wrong in relationships and how to counteract it. The “drama triangle” refers to a model of social interaction and conflict developed by Dr. Steven Karpman in 1968. It identifies three roles commonly and often unconsciously played out in relationships: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor. Let’s take a peek at the characteristics of each role, and the suffering that occurs in these stressful interactions. Then we’ll check out the “empowerment dynamic,” the way out of the Drama Triangle. The drama triangle refers to a model of social interaction and conflict developed by Dr. Steven Karpman in 1968. It identifies three roles commonly and often unconsciously played out in relationships: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor. Characteristics of a VictimThe characteristics of a victim attitude include:
A Victim says things like:
Characteristics of a RescuerThe characteristics of a rescuer include:
A rescuer says things like:
Characteristics of a PersecutorThe characteristics of a persecutor include:
A persecutor says things like:
Obviously, these three roles need each other. If you function in one of these roles, you’ll try to draw someone into a corresponding role on the Drama Triangle. Or if you’re not in one of these roles, you may find someone else is trying to pull you into one of them. These three roles need each other. If you function in one of these roles, you'll try to draw someone into a corresponding role on the Drama Triangle. The Drama Triangle creates painMost people operate from one primary or habitual role when they’re involved in a Drama Triangle. They typically embrace this role as their identity in life. But we also move between roles. For example, a victim can become a persecutor or a rescuer can move into the victim role. You might even move between roles in a single conversation. When you interact from a position on the Drama Triangle, you reenact and reinforce painful beliefs and patterns that keep you from living a conscious, authentic, and fulfilled life. So how do you move out of the Drama Triangle? Let’s take a look at the Empowerment Dynamic. When you interact from a position on the Drama Triangle, you reenact and reinforce painful beliefs and patterns that keep you from living a conscious, authentic, and fulfilled life. How do you get out of the Drama Triangle?The Empowerment Dynamic was developed by David Emerald to help people move out of the Drama Triangle. It identifies three empowered roles: Creator, Coach, and Challenger. Below are some of the actions you can take to move from a dysfunctional role in the Drama Triangle into an empowered one. You’ll have to take these actions again and again to create new modes of healthy interaction. Victim ---> CreatorTo move from victim to creator take these steps:
Rescuer ---> CoachTo move from rescuer to coach, take these steps:
Persecutor ---> ChallengerTo move from persecutor to challenger, take these steps:
Another empowered model, the Winner’s Triangle, was developed by Acey Choy in 1990. It recommends alternative ways of being to counteract the roles on the Drama Triangle: vulnerable and outcome oriented instead of victim, caring instead of rescuer, and assertive instead of persecutor. Are you ready to get out of the Drama Triangle?Acting out a role in the Drama Triangle only leads to pain, suffering, anger, and resentment for everyone involved. While you might get your needs meet on the short term or feel gratified temporarily, triangle dynamics never bring lasting happiness. No matter how embedded you are in a particular role, you can learn to act in more empowered ways through self-awareness and making alternative choices. It’s not necessarily easy because we’ve practice and reinforced these patterns so many times. You need to give it your all. Take time to study the Drama Triangle and the Empowerment Dynamic. Journal about your reactions and and the role you see yourself playing. Make your own program to practice the skills for your corresponding role in the Empowerment Dynamic, one at a time. Chances are, you’ll return to and play out your former role in the Drama Triangle again and again. But every time you act from an empowered place, you build your capacity to interact in healthier and happier ways. Gradually, your relationships will feel more satisfying, you won’t feel so powerless, and you’ll be able to avoid toxic relationships that would only draw you back into the Drama Triangle. Your Turn: Which role on the Drama Triangle feels most familiar to you? What emotions come up when you see this? How do you notice when you’re in a self-defeating role and how do you get out of it? I would love to hear from you in the comments.
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